When we love someone unconditionally does it prove we are more highly-evolved human beings? Or does it prove we are doormats who are willing to stand for anything our partners dish out? I believe the truth is that unconditional love does not mean love without boundaries. We can love someone and still feel that we have choices based on the way they are behaving.
We've all heard the phrase, "unconditional love." But what does that mean? For example, what do we do when we find out our girlfriend is cheating? Is that okay because we "unconditionally" love her? Or what if our boyfriend bets away our rent money? Do we still stand by his side as we are evicted from our apartment? When our partners behave badly, how do we summon "unconditional love?" Do we even want to? When we love someone unconditionally does it prove we are more highly-evolved human beings? Or does it prove we are doormats who are willing to stand for anything our partners dish out? I believe the truth is that unconditional love does not mean love without boundaries. We can love someone and still feel that we have choices based on the way they are behaving. All too often unconditional love is seen as a license by the other partner to do whatever they want. Children do this all the time. They test limits. They don't feel responsibility to their parents' feelings. Yet, good parents make sure they are not doormats. They work with their child so that (s)he understands their responsibility in the family. And I believe people in relationships need to do the same. After all, you may love someone with all your heart. However, if they place you in jeopardy by their inconsiderate behavior, lines have to be drawn. You may love them unconditionally, but they have to know there are limits to what we are willing to live with in our lives. And that's the real test. Each of us needs to understand what our limits are, so that we can create boundaries to take care of ourselves. When our partners are behaving badly or recklessly, we need to know what is important to us and make sure we are taken care of -- especially when our family members are not doing so. In that way, we can still love the people in our lives unconditionally, but not have to be victims of their choices.
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We all like to think that we respect our partners. However, think about it for a minute. How many times have you said something critical to your partner in the last week? How many times have you said this critical thing in front of other people? How about the other way around? How many times has your partner said something critical to you? How many times have you felt snapped at or disrespected? It seems like a simple thing... respecting our partners. Easy, right? However, with the fast-paced life we all lead, sometimes we're in such a hurry to get something done that we don't take the time to show the respect to our partners that they deserve. Just because we're in a hurry is no reason to snap at our partner, or get exasperated, or comment that they "just don't get it." Perhaps with a little more patience they would get it. And I can tell you a little secret about this... with a little more patience I believe they're certainly going to feel better about you and the interactions you have. So I guess the bottom line is, treat your partner as you'd like to be treated. Speak kindly. Give the benefit of the doubt. Show him or her that you not only care for them and love them, you also respect them. I believe that the more respect we show our partners, the more respect they will show us, and before you know it, you just may have a relationship of mutual respect and caring. Sounds too simple? Well, perhaps a little respect can go a long way. Give it a try and see!
It all seems so simple. You meet someone, you like their company, you fall in love... then as the weeks/months/years go by you continue getting to share life's experiences with them for the rest of your life. Simple -- right? Well... anyone who's been in a relationship for more than a few months knows that things don't always sail along so smoothly. Issues come up, people change their minds about their choices in life, and sometimes we find we didn't know our partners as well as we thought we did. So... while on the surface it may seem like relationships are pretty simple to get into and maintain, it couldn't be farther from the truth. Underneath the surface there are emotional and spiritual things going on that we really can't explain. For example... Why do we feel attracted to one person and not another? Is it just "looks" or something deeper? Why are there times we find someone attractive, but just don't feel connected to them? Why do conversations with one potential partner flow effortlessly for hours at a time, and with another each word can seem like pulling teeth? Have there been times when "on paper" a person looks perfect for you and yet there are no feelings that connect you when you actually meet them. Hmmm... maybe things are not as simple as they seem... So, how do we have a better chance of truly finding the right person for us? What can we do to make sure we connect with someone who will be right for us and we will feel connected to throughout our lives? First off, let's realize that connection can happen on many levels. It might be as simple as a pretty face and body, to feeling like you truly know someone on a deep, emotional level. And everything in between. How do we know which one a potential partner is going to be -- All surface level attraction (which lasts for a short time) or a deeper connection (that can last a lifetime) -- which is it going to be? I believe the answer becomes clearer when we truly understand ourselves. The more we know who we are and what we're looking for in a partner, the more likely we'll be to recognize that person when they show up in our lives. Knowing ourselves and what we truly want in a relationship can help us make better decisions when we are faced with whether or not to move forward with someone. It's by no means an exact science, but it seems to me that the more prepared we are, the more likely we will have a positive outcome. And even though there are millions of people out there who we can potentially partner with, finding the right person is not such a simple process. Many factors are considered when choosing a mate. We all want someone we can have a true connection with (and who we do the same for). And because we are so complex, and bring so much of our past into our present relationships, finding just the right person who can fit into our lives can feel like finding a needle in a haystack. Yet, the more clear we are about who we are and the things that are important to us in our lives, the more likely we will be able to recognize the right person when they show up in our lives.
Guess what? We're not going to be 100% in sync with our partners all the time. When we are in sync it can feel magical. You know what I mean... We can complete each other's sentences, we want to make love at the same times, everything feels right with the world. However, when we're not in sync, things can go downhill fast. We're going to misread our partners, misinterpret them and sometimes not have a clue as to why they're feeling and acting the way they are. This can apply to everything from the way we deal with our children to our finances to being sexual. It seems to me that when this happens, we need to back off a bit and really listen to what's in the way of the communication. Sometimes it's something that happened outside the relationship. Perhaps your partner was criticized at work, or is worried about a medical problem. Sometimes it's something we've done that we're unaware of that has upset our partner. Whatever it is, often it can be resolved with a little extra understanding and caring. All to often we get defensive and upset at our partners because we take their upset personally. We think they're unfairly mad at us. "After all," we rationalize, "I didn't do anything." This may be true, but if our partner is caught in a reaction about something outside the relationship, they may not be able to separate those feelings from how they feel around us. And if it's about us, it may be something easy to get past if we don't take it personally and react defensively, thereby making it worse. At those times when our partners seem out of sorts and not acting like themselves, I believe the more understanding we can be, the more we listen to what our partner really needs, the quicker we will be able to help them address the real issues and the quicker we will be able to get back in sync.
Sexuality. When it goes well, that's wonderful. Unfortunately, in many relationships sex can be an area where couples are not aligned. Perhaps... one person wants to be sexual more than the other person. Perhaps... one person has fantasies that their partner doesn't want to participate in. Perhaps... one person feels resentment toward their partner and this resentment causes them to not want to be intimate with them. There are many reasons why people have differences in their sexual desires, but it can certainly create problems in relationships. In another situation, sometimes one of the people in the relationship has withdrawn from their partner and even when they're being sexual they're not really connecting with them. Maybe they're having fantasies of being with someone else. Maybe they are so busy concentrating on their own activities during sex that they're not truly being "with" their partner. Sometimes they just feel disconnected and sex is a sad reminder of how little they're in sync. When that happens, communication is the key. If both people are communicating and trying to uncover what is in the way of a healthy, loving sexual relationship, it can be the first step toward letting go of the past and the things that are in the way. And once you've cleared a pathway through the resentments, the upsets, the bad feelings about being sexual, then you can truly come together and experience the intimacy you desire. After all, you and your partner chose each other for a reason. It makes a lot of sense to clear a pathway toward recapturing the passion and love you used to feel, so you can feel it again and hopefully maintain it throughout the relationship.
How many times have you found yourself having a conversation with your partner and you just didn't feel heard? The kind of conversation where you feel like everything you say is going right past your partner and he or she is not really hearing what you're trying to convey? When this happens, it's really difficult to get your point across and it can be a very frustrating experience -- for both of you. So... why does this happen? Chances are that one (or both) of you are having a reaction to something that's being discussed in the conversation. What I mean by a reaction, is that all of a sudden, something emotionally upsetting happens, and then it becomes difficult to concentrate on anything else. And that's when your emotions take over. At this point, we often feel threatened and have a "fight or flight" response, so that we either act verbally aggressively, or withdraw and try and avoid the conversation. When this happens, finding a logical, satisfying resolution to the conversation can be difficult, if not outright impossible. Sometimes it's more important to understand why a conversation is so difficult, as it is to try and resolve the conflict. This takes empathy and trying to understand what is going on with your partner and why your communication is not getting through. Often, this is because of something that really has very little to do with the current situation, but has triggered a past hurt and caused an emotional reaction that has taken over the current situation. At those times when you feel that you just can't get through to your partner -- that everything you say is being challenged or argued with, perhaps it would be in both of your best interests to take a break from the discussion. To realize that a cooling off period could be in order, and that you can return to the discussion when things have emotionally calmed down. This will allow both of you to let the emotional reactions subside, so that you can once again return to the conversation and hopefully find a satisfactory resolution to the situation.
Two years ago I purchased an unfinished piece of artwork from an artist I admire. I tried to find the artist to have him finish the piece, but could not reach him. I went through friends of the artist, I went through people who worked with him, but to no avail. I either had his wrong e-mail or his wrong address, but I was unable to reach him. So... I gave up. I figured I would never be able to have him finish the piece that I owned and I became disillusioned about the whole thing. I even considered parting with the unfinished artwork that I was so excited about when I first received it. Then, last week I got a lead to where I could reach the artist. And guess what? I actually was able to contact him and he seemed willing to finish the artwork. I became excited about the art again and looked forward to seeing what he was going to do with it when it was finished! Just a couple of weeks earlier I was ready to let go of the art and give it up. Now I'm once again enthused about the possibilities of having it completed. I think in a lot of ways, this example shows the progression of our efforts in life. We get enthusiastic for a while, then when we don't get the results we want as quickly as we'd like, we tend to give up and become resigned that we're not going to get what we want. But then with a little encouragement our motivation can become revived and we can once again think about the possibilities of getting what we want. Wouldn't it be great if we could keep our enthusiasm even in the face of disappointments? To be able to believe that if we just try a little harder we can eventually get where we want to go... accomplish what we want to accomplish... and have our lives work the way we want them to work? While it's not always easy to stay enthusiastic and motivated when we're not seeing results... every little step we make, no matter how inconsequential it may seem, leads us toward our ultimate goals. And even when it looks like we're never going to reach that goal, if we find a way to stay motivated to continue working toward it, we are much more likely to ultimately achieve them!
Don't you wish you could bottle up enthusiasm? Enthusiasm is really cool. The ability to get moving and do the things we have on our plate for the day. Of course, for most of us, there are days when we just sit around watching TV, or staring at the computer, without the slightest motivation to get up and do anything. Once in a while those can be good days. However, if they drag on day after day, they can be devastating in our lives. Because in the real world, most of us have responsibilities. And those responsibilities don't get put on hold because we don't feel like doing anything. As a result, our choices can be to veg out on the couch eating Doritos, or unenthusiastically getting up and doing what we need to do. But what if we could muster up the enthusiasm we need to accomplish our goals whenever we wanted? What if we could harness that energy and get excited about the things we need to do in our lives? Things like looking for a job, doing our laundry, or whatever else we have as goals. Wouldn't that be something? If we could all of a sudden take care of our responsibilities while at the same time feeling good about them? What would that world look like? Imagine working to get the job you want, having the energy to have the clean house you always hoped to live in, and the energy to do all those things you've been "getting around to doing..." Wouldn't that be great? Well guess what? It's not only possible, it's something all of us can do. We can all work towards our goals -- not begrudgingly -- but excitedly. Instead of looking at the things we need to do as unhappy chores, what if we could instead look at them as opportunities? Opportunities to have the lives we want to lead instead of the lives that we're stuck with. Sound good? All of this is possible when we don't let our lethargy stop us from accomplishing what we want to do. That victimizes us. "I don't feel like it" is a phrase that has stopped millions of people from move forward in their lives.
What if instead, the next time we don't "feel like it," we do it anyway? That way we would not let our emotions of the moment stop us from doing what we mentally know we need to accomplish. Our emotions can be very powerful, but they're not always helping us achieve our goals. And when they stop us from accomplishing our commitments, they can mean the difference between a happy, fulfilling life, and one that we have much less control over. Accomplishing what we want in life versus living our lives not feeling satisfied is actually two sides of the same coin. On the one hand, we can take action to what we want to do in our lives, but at the same time, we can also choose not to take action and have things stay the same. It's in our hands to make the decision to either make our lives look more like want them to be, or to stay within our present realities. I'm not saying it's easy to make changes. On the contrary, moving forward can be quite difficult. However, is it not worth creating a little temporary discomfort to ultimately achieve our goals and desires? I think it is. What about you? I believe that we all have the ability to make our lives what we choose them to be. That doesn't mean we don't have challenges or significant obstacles in our way sometimes. It just means that we can choose to move toward our goals every day... even if it's just a little movement. After all, a little movement today can pay off with big dividends tomorrow.
Guess what? We're not going to live forever. Cheery thought, huh? Well, it's unfortunately the reality of all of us here on Earth. And while most of us don't know exactly when we're going to be leaving, one thing is for sure, and that's none of us are getting out of here alive. You know, I bet about now, you're thinking that I'm a pretty dreary guy, with all this talk about the limits to our time on Earth. Well, cheer up! Why? Because we're here now! And that means we have the opportunity to make our lives as exciting and fulfilling as we possibly can. And we can start right now. All it takes is making choices that bring us happiness instead of sadness... Choices that have us hanging out with the people we have fun with, as opposed to the people we feel bad around. It's really a question of maximizing our enjoyment on a day to day basis. And if that sounds simple, it kind of is. Sometimes we've got old programming going on inside of our heads... "I can't do that," "I'll fail at that for sure," and other thoughts that stop us from trying to accomplish the things we really want to accomplish. Well, guess what? That voice in your head telling you not to try things... it doesn't know everything! Maybe we thought it made sense when we were younger and it talked us out of going on a Ferris wheel at a carnival, but it sure doesn't have to dictate our decisions when it's scaring us away from our goals and future.
Why not listen to that voice in your head, but then make a choice as to what you want to do. Maybe today is the day we can override those negative thoughts. The day we listen to the voice in our head, acknowledge it, but then do the things we really want to do. After all, with the time we have here on Earth, we should do whatever we can to have the most fulfilling time possible! |
David Schwartz, M.S., LMFTDavid brings a wealth of life experience to his therapy practice. In addition to his therapy training, David has been a self-motivated entrepreneur for over 20 years, as well as working as a producer in the television industry. Archives
January 2021
CategoriesDavid Schwartz, MS., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist # 87261 -
Practicing at: 30961 Agoura Rd., Suite 215, Westlake Village, CA 91361 (818) 351-6258 |