Whatever you want, think about the first step toward making it better. Hate your job? Well, what would you rather do? I'm not advocating quitting, but you could start exploring. You could start researching what you want for your future. You could start becoming an expert in what works for you. And you can start that anytime. The internet is full of websites devoted to whatever it may be that interests you. And you don't have to wait. You can start right now. All it takes is cutting through our excuses and giving ourselves the freedom to explore our hopes and dreams.
There's a famous quote that I'm going to paraphrase, and that quote goes something like this: "Most people live lives of quiet desperation." And what does that mean? I think it means we're very often just going through the motions in our lives. We're putting off until tomorrow the things we really want to do. We're held back by the belief that we're stuck where we are. That there's no way out. We have obligations, we have no plan for our future... We are left with dreams we don't really believe are going to come true anytime soon. "Sure I'd like to take a trip to Europe, but who has the money?" "I am so unhappy in my relationship, but I'm scared to be alone..." "I really need to find a job that I can find meaningful..." Day after day, week after week, year after year we dream of that day when things will get better. We put up with the jobs we don't like, the relationships we find unfulfilling, and we look to the future because that's when things will improve. Well... I'm not so sure that day's going to come if we keep doing the same things we've been doing all of these years. It seems to me that if we don't take steps toward improving our situations, we may find ourselves in the exact same positions we are in today... whether it's next week or next year. But what can we do? We all lead busy lives and we all have things that need to get done. What can we truly do to make the changes we want, without being irresponsible and abandoning our commitments. Well, I'm glad you asked. My thought is that the first step has to be deciding what we really want and then taking the first step toward achieving it. If your relationship is bad, clarify what doesn't work and think about what you can do to make it better. Would talking to your partner frankly and honestly help? If the communication is too strained to do it on your own, what about couples therapy? You never know when a professional might help make it easier to communicate. Whatever you want, think about the first step toward making it better. Hate your job? Well, what would you rather do? I'm not advocating quitting, but you could start exploring. You could start researching what you want for your future. You could start becoming an expert in what works for you. And you can start that anytime. The internet is full of websites devoted to whatever it may be that interests you. And you don't have to wait. You can start right now. All it takes is cutting through our excuses and giving ourselves the freedom to explore our hopes and dreams. These may sound like little steps, however the first part of any journey is not necessarily starting to go... it's figuring out where you want to go. And even if you have obligations you can't get out of right now, and even if you feel that there's nothing you can currently do, you can start to think. You can start to visualize where you'd like to go. And that visualization, that ability to truly form a plan to help actualize your dreams can be done anytime. It can be done right now if you want. Who's going to stop you? All it takes is giving your mind the freedom to envision what you truly want in life. And once you have it visualized, you can explore the steps necessary to make it happen.
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Is anyone reading this a comics fan? Today I read on the internet that the X-Men comic book is doing a storyline which reveals that Iceman, who is one of the X-Men, is gay. This is news because there are not a lot of gay characters in comic books, and apparently a comic character coming out can generate significant publicity. For me, the most exciting part about reading this new is that it's not particularly shocking or surprising to anyone. It's just being reported as something that's being done with the character. It's normal. And I think that's a good thing. Here's why... There was a time when coming out as gay was very risky. If you were an actor there could be devastating ramifications to your career. In fact, being gay was so much of a taboo, that in the early 1980's an actress was rumored to have quit a hit television show because the producers created a storyline that showed her character as being a lesbian. Think about that. An actress leaves a successful television show because of the fear that her character (not even her personally) was going to be seen as gay. Yet, now a successful comic book (one owned by the Walt Disney Company no less) is revealing that one of their most successful franchises has a gay character. A franchise worth millions, probably billions of dollars -- and they're not afraid of a backlash -- of protests -- nothing. It's no big deal. Think of how far we've come in the normalizing of gay relationships in this society for that to happen. That's not to say everything's perfect, but with the growing acceptance of gays and lesbians in our society, things are certainly getting better. I think the key to creating acceptance is to have our differences be "no big deal." On the TV show Scandal, Olivia Pope, a black woman, has had a long-term relationship with two different white men. And what's wonderful about the storyline is that the differences in their ethnicities are completely invisible. No one notices. No one cares. It's not relevant to who the characters are within the storyline. And I believe that ultimately, that's what's going to happen with gay men and lesbian women in our society. They'll just be. They'll just be part of the society. They'll just get to live their lives the way any other person would live theirs... without having special attention brought to them because of their sexual orientation.
A friend of mine called me today and said that his wife had a minor heart attack this week. Yikes! She's only around 50 years old and had no idea there was a problem. Thankfully it was not life-threatening, however it got me to thinking about the time we have and how we spend it. Until something like this happens to us, I've found that we tend to think of ourselves as immortal. "Yeah, my life isn't where I'd like it to be, but I'll worry about it tomorrow, or next week." Unfortunately, often "next week" turns into "next month," then into "next year," and nothing gets worked on. Then before you know it, five, ten, or fifteen years have gone by and we haven't gotten to where we wanted to go. So, what's the answer? How can we "kick ourselves in the pants" so we can actually find the time to start moving forward to begin accomplishing the things we want in our lives? Well... having a heart attack seems pretty extreme to remind us of our mortality, yet I'm pretty confident if we were in touch with the fact that we didn't have "forever" to get it done, we'd be a little more anxious to get started. I suspect if we examined things in our lives from the perspective of "we don't have all the time in the world," we'd be on the right track. Maybe we can turn more of our dreams into reality. No longer will our thoughts be... "Sure, I'd like a relationship, with someone but it can wait..." " Yeah, I know I haven't patched things up with my father, but I'll worry about it later..." "I can't stand my job, but I've plenty of time to get another one some time..." Perhaps things will turn into, "I'm going to get serious about finding a relationship starting today," or "It's time to clear the air with my Dad," or even, "I'm going to find a job that I enjoy going to each day." I wonder what it would look like to make "someday," today. To be able to look at our lives and say, "Today's the day I'm going to make things better. Today's the day I'm going to deal with getting what I want out of life." While this approach might be uncomfortable at first, ultimately I believe it can pay off big-time. By recognizing that we don't have "forever," it might motivate us to really take advantage of each and every day -- to make things happen for ourselves instead of putting them off. And perhaps in that way, allow us to live life to its fullest so we can create the lives we really want.
I guess in any profession, there are times when people don't follow through. You miss a deadline, you forget an appointment, you let someone down... I can tell you that here in my office I have spent many an hour (including this one) waiting for someone who made an appointment but didn't show up. I understand that emergencies happen and plans need to be change... I also understand that sometimes people make an appointment to see a therapist when they're in the midst of a particular crisis. Then, if the crisis is lifted before the appointment, they may think, "Oh, I don't need to go to that appointment anymore." I completely understand that, but would it kill them to call? So, outside of my bellyaching about having to sit here for the next hour by myself, why should you care? How does this apply to you? Why does it matter? And why is it an important discussion for all of our lives? The short answer is that being reliable matters. I believe that when we give our word to someone and keep our word, our lives tend to work better. By doing this, people know that our word means something -- that we are reliable. And being reliable can make economic sense as well. People who can be counted on and trusted are people who tend to get more responsibility and higher pay in the work force. There's something about trusting someone to follow through on what they say that makes that person stand out -- gets them noticed in a good way. At work, it sets them apart from the rest, and may lead to faster promotions and becoming a more valuable employee. Everybody wants to be around people they can count on. People you can count on, become closer friends, don't they? Think about it... who are your closest friends? The ones who are flaky or the ones who follow through on their commitments? These are also people who tend to be more valued at work. And it all starts with following through on your commitments and having your word mean something. When you give your word to someone -- whether it's to drive them somewhere, or get a report done for work, you are being counted on to do what you say you're going to do. You matter. People are trusting that you will be there when they need you. And that type of trust and reliability can make a real difference in your life.
There is a theater in Austin, Texas called the Alamo Drafthouse. They have a policy (like most theaters) that people shouldn't talk or text during the movies they show. After all, it can disturb the movie for other people. While a lot of theaters ask their customers not to do these things, very few do anything about those that break the rules. Not so with the Alamo Drafthouse. They actually kick people out of the theater if they are texting or talking on their phones. In fact, they're so proud of this policy, they actually took an angry phone message from someone they had thrown out of their theater and used it in their advertising. Take a look. WARNING: The caller uses rough language, although it's been edited to remove the profanity. While most retail places may have the policy, "The customer is always right," the Alamo Drafthouse apparently feels differently. Sometimes the customer is wrong when they disregard the theater's policy. The actions of the Alamo Drafthouse show that they feel creating a safe environment for the majority of their customers is more important than the individual desires of one person. In psychological terms, this is called creating a boundary. They created a boundary that states that people will not text or makes calls in their theater, and they have consequences for people that cross those boundaries. We all create boundaries in our lives. Maybe not as dramatically as the Alamo Drafthouse, but boundaries just the same. There are things that we find acceptable for people to do around us and things we don't. For example, your best friend can maybe borrow some eggs from your refrigerator, but probably not your toothbrush. Our connections with people sometimes push boundaries to the limit and our partners, our business associates or our families sometimes cross them. And we don't like to have our boundaries disrespected. Yet it happens all the time. Bosses keep us late, even though our families are counting on us to be home. Couples have different needs and one person may pressure the other into doing what they want. A family may set a rule for a child and the child may disobey. How we establish and protect our boundaries can mean the difference between feeling empowered in our lives and feeling victimized. Establishing boundaries may cause conflict at first, but ultimately be more satisfying -- because doing things we feel forced into doing often leads to resentment.
Upholding our boundaries doesn't mean we can't be flexible. Sometimes people negotiate -- they look for common ground. Finding ways a situation can work for as many people as possible is a healthy part of any relationship. However, there's a difference between negotiation, where we feel we are making a choice. and feeling as we have no choice. It all comes down to good communication and finding solutions that fit with everyone's needs. Just don't do that communicating during the movie at the Alamo Drafthouse! Relationship problems...? When you and your partner have a disagreement, who's at fault? Why, your partner of course! Everyone knows that. Whenever there's a relationship conflict our partners are the ones at fault. I mean, everything we do is perfect, right? Our partners just don't get it. If only they listened more and did what we wanted things would work out so much better. Okay... so maybe it's not as simple as that. As satisfying as it is to think that we have it all figured out and our partners just need to get with the program -- while that may lead to a certain satisfaction within ourselves, it certainly doesn't lead to a successful relationship. Our society tends to encourage us to win at things. Sporting events, getting the best grades in school, finding the best job... it's all about winning. Yet in relationships, winning can sometimes be losing. How? Well, think about it. Suppose you win an argument with your partner and prove to them you were "right." Well, guess what? That made your partner wrong. And if you do that consistently by always arguing to be right, where does that leave your partner? Always being wrong! Who wants to live with that? Would you want to live with someone that was always right? It seems more likely that the key to a successful relationship would be one where both people got to be right -- Where both people felt cared for, listened to, and understood. But how do we do that? Our whole society, in large part, is about being right. Making the right choice, doing the right thing, picking the right person. How do we find a way to be right and have our partner be right at the same time? That's the trick, isn't it? Finding a way that both people can feel good about the situation. Finding out how to do that just may be the key to a long-term, happy relationship. What is the secret? It's finding ways that both people can be "right." Instead of having a monopoly on being right and your partner having to be wrong, how about finding ways you both can be right. Ways that each of you can feel heard, cared for and understood. It may be challenging at times, but it's not impossible.
You may find that working at having your own needs met and at the same time caring that your partners are met, can truly lead to a happy, caring relationship. While it may not always be easy, it certainly is a challenge worth taking on -- and it's a challenge that can lead to a more fulfilling relationship. So, given the choice, who would you rather be, Spider-Man or Superman? Think about it... Superman has all of the powers in the world, yet is an alien to our planet. Spider-Man has powers as well, however he's filled with insecurities and fears -- just like so many of us have on a daily basis.
At first glance, it may seem an obvious choice. Superman! Flying, orbiting the earth whenever he feels like it, super strength... what's not to love? Yet, Superman doesn't really know what it's like to be human. He has a purpose in life and lives that purpose without question. He may be Earth's protector, but he's always an outsider, looking in. On the other hand, for all of his teenage angst and guilt, Spider-Man is very human. He questions himself constantly. And in that questioning can find answers to help his life work better. In that way, Spider-Man is like all of us. Constantly searching for understanding -- constantly trying to find fulfillment and meaning in our lives. Superman has it all figured out. He's Earth's protector. He doesn't need to question his purpose, it's clear to him. In a way, Superman has blinders on. He's not searching to be his best self, he already has his answers. It's a very singular vision of his purpose. As people, we tend to be more multi-layered than that. Spider-Man is human. He has real life responsibilities, problems, joys. He examines his motivations from within. And when you examine from within, you gain a better understanding of yourself and those around you. So where does that leave us? Would we rather be perceived as "perfect" and have no need for others to contribute to us? Or would we rather keep exploring to gain better understanding of all that life has to offer? I guess we each get to choose. For me, I'd rather live a life that's been fully explored. Superman can have his perfection. I'd rather stay open to new insights and self-awareness. By continuing to explore all of life's possibilities we also are open to people contributing to us, and their contributions (along with our own insights) can lead to a fulfilling and rewarding life. SuperSupSat manman it Aftth ting thbvia auritinsecinsecurit I bet if you’re thinking about starting therapy, it’s because you recognize that something in your life isn’t working. Perhaps your relationships keep falling apart in the same way. Perhaps you’ve had trouble getting or holding down a job. Maybe it’s just a pervasive feeling of unhappiness. Whatever the reason may be that you have for seeking therapy, I bet there’s something that you want to have work better in your life.
So how does therapy work? I guess the simple answer is that therapists want to help you understand what is getting in your way and stopping you from leading the life you want. And often “what is getting in your way” started out in your childhood. Often therapists are going to want to help you uncover the reasons why you behave the way you do. For example, maybe when you were five years old, you ran out of the house because you were trying to explore new things by yourself. And maybe your mother got scared because you ran out without adult supervision and she grabbed you and spanked you for it. That could have taught you something – don’t assert your independence because you might be spanked. That understanding may have been instilled in you when you were five years old, but perhaps now as an adult it’s not the best advice. Maybe now you find yourself unable to take risks because of a fear you might be “spanked.” While that spanking was long forgotten by your parents, it might stick with you your whole life and stop you from doing the things you want to do. Therapists want you to understand what happened back then so you can make more adult choices for your life. Sounds simple, right? Well, while it looks good on paper, it’s just half of the battle. Even though therapy can help you understand what happened to help form your mental makeup, it doesn’t automatically change anything. Yes, new insights can be very valuable and pave the way toward meaningful change, but the issues don’t automatically go away. Once they’re discovered, the next step is figuring out how to create new realities that are no longer holding you back. For example, maybe the next time you feel you deserve a raise at work and your emotions tell you, “I’d better not risk it,” you override those feelings and talk to your boss anyway. What would life look like if you could take action that could potentially benefit your life without the paralyzing feeling that you’re going to be “spanked” if you do so? That’s why therapy is not as simple as just discovering a problem and having it disappear immediately. It can take time before the positive changes we know that we want to make in our lives actually feel natural to us. Therapy can give us valuable tools to make these changes, but they require practice and effort to truly internalize them. |
David Schwartz, M.S., LMFTDavid brings a wealth of life experience to his therapy practice. In addition to his therapy training, David has been a self-motivated entrepreneur for over 20 years, as well as working as a producer in the television industry. Archives
January 2021
CategoriesDavid Schwartz, MS., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist # 87261 -
Practicing at: 30961 Agoura Rd., Suite 215, Westlake Village, CA 91361 (818) 351-6258 |